Marta took her last breath of fresh air as the lift doors closed. Her next inhalation was tainted with the sweat of other workers who, like her, had indulged in a few hours of exercise and activity before returning to their homes in Cheapside. One young man added to the fumes with his own loud flatulence, but at least he had the civility to blush deeply and mumble an apology.
Fortunately the doors swept open moments later, and the stale recycled air of Cheapside replaced the eau de humanity. With practiced ease Marta and the other denizens half floated, half danced down the nondescript corridor, saying a casual goodnight to neighbors and friends as they found the numbers on the doors which were the only differentiation between the individual spaces.
The steam shower felt heavenly. She had splurged on a little bottle of lilac scent, and she left the door separating her bathroom from the rest of the apartment open so that the smell would fill the small space. Wrapping herself in her best fluffy towel, she dialed her window to look out from an earth-side farmhouse window at a row of familiar lilacs. She watched the pastoral scene as she combed and braided her hair. It was hard to catch, but she knew exactly where the loop restarted. The slightest breeze ruffled the bushes, and there was a split second where the sway was ever so slightly interrupted.
Two more months. Soon, very soon, I’ll feel that breeze again.
This was written in response to the Write on Edge prompt about location. We only had 250 words, and I used every last one of them!
The shortlink to this post is http://wp.me/p1rMYd-jI
I love how you described a scene in a scene with the view from her window. Well done, especially for only getting 250 words!
Thanks!
You really drew me into the scene. I was able to get a feel for the story without having read the rest of it. I am impressed at how this piece can stand alone, but make me want to read more at the same time.
I sometimes wonder if it’s possible to write a good short story without it seeming like just a scene in a larger work. This one does feel like a scene, but I still like it!
I think you did a great job of slowly leading us to the realization of where she is. Instead of hitting us over the head you took us from the lift to her home dropping clues along the way like breadcrumbs.
Good! I struggle with that… I tend to want the reader to know everything up front and it’s hard to hold back.
Hi AmyBeth. Great job! Your descriptions are very clear. I think the piece might be stronger if you introduce the location (space station) early on in the work. I was wondering where the heck Cheapside is (maybe it’s just me.) It sort of felt like you were keeping it a secret.
Small technical word choice things — I’d change “recycled air” to “recirculated air” as I don’t think air is “recycled.” Not sure. Something about the “eau de humanity” did not sit well with me. Maybe you could change that to something more detailed.
Is this part of a larger work? It would be interesting to see where it goes. Great work.
This isn’t a piece of a larger work, but I admit it does read like a scene. I like the term “recirculated air,” but I think I’ll keep “eau de humanity” lol!
I remember reading the term “Cheapside” in various novels, and I decided to take the idea forward and use it for the low-income housing on a space station.
I really enjoyed this. Your use of everyday language puts the reader in mind that there is nothing out of the ordinary to this place until we get to that hallway and the mention of the window with a repeating loop of setting. And then your final line clinches it: we aren’t on earth, perhaps no where NEAR earth.
Nicely done
I think you’re the only person that could navigate a fart without making it some sort of foul, Monty Python-like joke.
The whole scene was a moving picture, like a short film. Nicely done!
I really like the sense of the everyday, but there’s also the feeling that something is just a little different about this place they live. You do a great job with the subtle clues. A couple of little things: I don’t think you need to explain it’s his “own” flatulence. It wouldn’t really be possible for it to be anyone else’s, right?
I really love how she’s used the lilacs to bring a sense of beauty into the little area, merging the scent and the artificial image.
Very nice. You painted a great image of her surroundings and had me longing w/ her to feel the breeze.
I think you did a great job setting a scene in such a short time. I’d love to know more about where she is and what’s going on. You let the scene show what’s going on instead of telling which I love as well.