Creative commons license by Gabriela Camerotti
Emily certainly didn’t believe it would work. But there she was, in her own body, seven years in the past.
She remembered everything that had happened. That would happen… or rather, now that she had taken the Mulligan, that wouldn’t happen.
She read through the letter in front of her,written in her own hand. It seemed pathetic, so whiny and…
Irrelevant.
All of it. Her complaints about how he never brought her flowers any more, how he always seemed to be too tired to go out anywhere. How he barely hid his loathing of the dance recitals and soccer games and other things she signed the kids up for.
She only had one chance. This time, she would do the right thing.
She burned the letter.
Emily breathed deeply. She had underestimated the strength of emotions that had been coursing through her that day. Strong enough to make her leave her husband and make a go of it as a single Mom.
Not this time.
She heard a thump upstairs. She knew it was the cat, but she also knew who else was upstairs.
She found Christina, all dressed up in her best princess dress, complete with gloves and tiara. Christina, who–in the timeline left behind–had just celebrated her sweet sixteen by having her stomach pumped after chasing a bottle of sleeping pills with a bottle of vodka.
“Oh, sweetie, did you hear Mommy and Daddy arguing?”
The little princess nodded, but kept her hands over her face.
Emily held and comforted her daughter as long as she could. She glanced at her watch, conscious of the time. “Let’s go out and get a treat, why don’t we?”
The convenience store was right around the corner. Christina picked out an ice cream novelty for herself, and another for her big brother, who would be home from soccer practice soon. Emily repeated the numbers to herself one last time, having committed them to memory, memory being the only baggage she’d been able to take on the one-way-trip.
Back home, Emily tingled with anticipation. Her husband grumbled unintelligibly when he came home to see that both kids were eating ice cream before dinner. Usually, his passive aggressive muttering would set her off. But this time would be different.
With money, all their problems could be solved.
She could be the happy, spontaneous person she’d been when they met.
He would love her again.
The first number popped up on the television.
She smiled.
Then the second, and her heart began to flutter.
With the third number, she felt positively smug.
Then the fourth number… was one off. And the fifth number…
No!
This short was written for the Write on Edge prompt: A stand-alone scene, fiction or memoir, in 500 words or less, involving a handwritten letter. It’s not related to anything else I’ve done. My goal was to have the <500 words be completely self contained, and not feel like they are part of a longer work.
This story is an example of Soft Science Fiction. There is no physics, no hard science, no gadgets or technology. I purposely left the method of her time travel vague. The theme of the story is psychological, a so-called “soft science.”
For concrit, I would particularly appreciate opinions on the ending. I want it to be clear that she did not win the lottery, and therefore has to live from that point on without being filthy rich. She has to decide whether that means she’s still going to leave her husband, or whether she is going to try and fix her marriage even without the crutch of the lottery winnings she’d expected. But I feel like I made it too abrupt.
The shortlink for this post is http://wp.me/p1rMYd-ng
I like your post
I don’t think the end is too abrupt unless it is meant to forever more end that way, but as it sounds like you’re thinking of continuing it, the end serves as a great hook for readers (like me) to want to know if things really do change without the winning lottery ticket or if it goes to the same end as before. Well done and nice job with the letter idea!
Well written. The ending leaves you wondering and it’s definately clear she didn’t win the lottery.
Thank you for your little explanation, I did have to reread the story, to understand the ‘do over’ she was or was not experiencing. It was clear at the end that she was not a lottery winner. I may be too literal for the vagueness and need to have more spelled out for me.
Yeah, I could see why you felt the ending might be too abrupt, but I think that could be taken care of in a sentence or two. Great story!
I thought it was fine, and I got it all, right off. But I did think from the beginning that her do-over would not succeed. We often wish we could go back and have a do-over, but I’m sure most of us would respond the way we did the first time around. It’s just in our nature. And even though we see where we made mistakes the first time, if we were doing over, we still wouldn’t have the advantage of age or experience to help us if going back to the past.
Thank you all for the great comments!
I don’t expect to continue this one. I want it to be like a Bradbury short where the reader debates whether she’ll be able to make her marriage work without the benefit of lottery winnings, or if she’s doomed to repeat the same mistakes.
I think CJ’s right. There’s reasons she made certain decisions the first time around, and it will be like swimming up a waterfall to do it differently.
I enjoyed this. I suspect that Emily will soon realize that by trying to make different choices will not result in the happily ever after she desires. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be.
I liked the ending. You left it to the reader to decide how she wanted it to go.
Do overs would be nice from time to time, but I like how this story shows that even if you get a do over, it might not turn out the way you planned it to.
Ooh, neat concept. I love the impact of the last few lines. Some minor concrit: ” She had underestimated the strength of emotions that had been coursing through her that day.” I would flip this from a passive voice. “She underestimated the strength of emotions that coursed through her that day.” (Although technically correct, it delivers a stronger voice if you remove the “had”). Also, as much as I like the idea of the concern for her daughter’s future, I think you can leave the stomach pumping part out of it. At least for me, that section was a little distracting.
Again, very minor, minor concrit. I enjoyed the story and the premise, and could easily see this fleshed out as a 90min movie starring Sandra Bullock as the MC. Well done!
Yes! Sandra Bullock as Emily!
Good point about the passive voice… I actually made that comment on someone else’s story this week lol!
I had to reread it after reading your concrit request, to see if there was something that I had missed. But there wasn’t. You got it the first time, I had just wondered if you had left any more clue to wealth than the dance recitals and soccer games (if they are a clue to wealth?). I did wonder what a Mulligan was, but realised that it must be something that you had to take to revisit the past. Good job! (Though I somehow knew it wouldn’t work for her — that would be too easy!) I thought that the stomach pumping was ok. It underscored the fact that leaving the marriage had not been a solution.
You gave just enough to tease us and leave us all wainntg more. I want to know what it is in the end that does make her happy here. I want to know why she is such a people pleaser too. She does have great potential, it is so much fun to develop a character and then write a story. You asked how to listen to your character .ask her questions. It seems to help me some. What are her fears? Where is her favorite place to be? What are her secrets?
I think it’s a great lead in, firstly. The ending is somewhat abrupt, but I also appreciate being allowed to ponder the possibilities, and ponder them I did. The letter, the certainty that things could be different. I didn’t catch the references to the money, which if subtly played, might have teased for the lottery ticket. I didn’t necessarily equate a trip to the convenience store with playing the lottery until the drawing was on the TV. But overall, I definitely took all the right information and questions away in the end, and what’s more I cared about the outcomes.
Oh, my goodness, what a nightmare: put yourself in your past, which obviously was bad enough for you to want to change it, and then suddenly you find yourself locked into having to live it all again! Well done!
Thanks for the great comments!
Asproulla: The term “take a Mulligan” comes from golf. It means pretending your last shot didn’t happen at all, so you can do it over without penalty. It’s synonymous with “do-over.”
I didn’t allude too much to wealth… the idea I had in my mind was that the family was just average, middle class, able to afford stuff like dance class, but not wealthy. Emily thinks that if she does go back in time into her own body, with nothing but her memories, she can memorize lottery numbers and then use the money to change her marriage. What I leave the reader to ponder is 1) Whether she’ll be able to fix her marriage without the added benefit of money, and 2) Whether it would have made any difference at all even if she had won the lottery.
You had me racing through this one, trying to see what was going to happen next. I don’t think the ending is too abrupt…I do, however, think you should write more. I would love to hear more of this story and find out what happens. Does she go ahead and work at her marriage or does she leave him? Has something else changed that maybe might make things different between them? Maybe the lottery numbers aren’t the only thing that is different.
Great little story. And I’ve never heard of soft science fiction before. Definitely something I’m going to have to check out
Megan
I love this premise!!! I like the idea of leaving it up to the reader to decide what happens. I think overall the pacing is great. Maybe throw in a sentence or two about her reactions, the family’s reaction to her or her ideas of what to do with the money between the numbers just before it all goes wrong. It may reinforce her belief that the money will fix things until she finds out she’s not getting it. Just a thought to play with to tweak the story without actually making it a significantly longer piece.