Well, that was an exaggeration.
A white picket fence, a garden full of deadly genetically engineered blooms, and three tiny barking dogs stood between him and the cottage door. Once inside, he’d have to vanquish his arch nemesis, Dr. De’Devious, and then he could have Bliss.
Well, technically he’d already had Bliss.
Bliss of the ample bosoms and inadequate corset was the only woman who, when he proved his name, had declared “Wow!” instead of the the usual “What? Is it over already?”
Well, Dr. De’Devious was’t really his arch nemesis. She was Bliss’. Why, he had no idea.
Quirt fastened his gas mask and checked the ammunition in his super-soaker. Weed killer from the dollar store mixed with his nana’s best moonshine should kill anything.
First, the dogs.
Well, he wasn’t going to kill the dogs. But one package of super-chewy puppy treats had the three of them trotting off to their respective doggie houses to savor their snacks.
Next, the picket fence.
Well, he couldn’t just open the gate. It was probably alarmed. The gazebo looked rather startled, too. Vaulting over the fence was much more manly.
Quirt landed in a pocketfull of posies and they instantly attacked. His gas mask took care of the noxious fumes, and the super-soaker soon turned the delightful flower bed into a sandbox.
Next, the lawn.
Well, he couldn’t walk on the cobblestone quicksand. He was too smart for that. His armored thigh-high crocs protected his feet and legs from the deadly razor grass, and soon he was within reach of the front porch.
Purplish blue flowers as big as his head turned towards him. The tiny yellow spines in the center squirmed in an alarmingly prehensile way. The long, thin stamen quivered, then shot out at him, bouncing harmlessly off his leather duster.
Now that the anemone was disarmed, he removed his gas mask and started cooing to it. “Who’s a pretty flower? Who’s the prettiest blossom in all the garden?”
The blooms rotated, watching him, but not attacking. He took a plastic bag out of his inside coat pocket and tossed a marshmallow to one of the blooms. The prehensile center snatched it out of the air and stuffed it into the gaping maw in the center. He tossed more to the other blooms, and soon they were begging for more.
“Can I help you?” said a voice from the porch.
Quirt looked up to see a pleasantly curvaceous woman wearing a polka dot dress standing in the open door. He tried to step onto the porch, but the anemones were cuddling up to him, begging for more. One had worked its way up his leg to his crotch, which unfortunately was responding in an embarrassing manner. He might be willing to tup anything with two legs, but he’d yet to tup something that had none.
The woman glanced at his crotch. “You’re Quickfinish, aren’t you?” she asked.
“I…how do you know who I am?” he said, fighting off the flowers and stumbling onto the porch.
“Bliss told me all about you. She’s mad because I stole her last boyfriend, but she still tells me everything. Come on in.”
She turned and went into the cottage, and Quirt had no option but to follow. He couldn’t vanquish her from the porch while she was sitting in her living room.
A loud thump sounded from upstairs. Three short thumps, then three long, then three short.
“Don’t mind that. It’s just the dogs,” De’Devious said.
Quirt raised an eyebrow, then followed the alleged mad doctor into her kitschy kitchen. She opened a cupboard and took out a bottle with a cork stopper.
A voice from upstairs called out “It’s been four hours! You have to take me to a doctor!”
“Is that the boyfriend you seduced?” Quirt asked, wary. Her bobbing cleavage and confident manner was certainly seductive…
“I never said I seduced him,” she answered innocently. “So. Take a swig of this next time you and Bliss are…well, next time you set eyes on each other.” She placed the bottle in his hands and yelled towards the kitchen stairs. “I told you not to take so much! Now either hop yourself to the doctor or wait patiently for me to come take care of you!”
The noises from upstairs abruptly stopped.
“There. All will be forgiven now,” the mad doctor smiled and patted his hand warmly.
Quirt read the fine print on the bottle, his eyebrows arching as he walked out the way he’d come, looking with regret at the three puppies sniffing around the patch of sand that had once been a bed of beautiful blooms. He vaulted over the picket fence again, eager to test De’Devious’ product.
Bliss did indeed forgive De’Devious. When she and Quirt were married, though, she insisted he take her name instead of her becoming “Bliss Quickfinish.” Mr. and Mrs. Everready lived happily ever after.
In wedded Bliss.
Yes, this was just for fun. Glenn said something about “The enemy of my enemy…” and I took off from there, stealing a high school classmate’s secret mad-scientist identity for the antagonist-turned-heroine.